One of the hardest things about parenting is that the results aren’t always obvious. If we use the immediate behavior of our children as a sign of what we are doing as parents, there will be days when we realize that we need a readjustment. This is the messy nature of raising little human beings and turn them into great successes.
The messages we learn from children are very important, but we must be vigilant. If you were raised by toxic parents, it is easy for you to understand the constant friction of messages, especially when some parents only send toxic messages to their children. These messages have a great influence on behavior. One of the legacies of toxic parents is another generation of toxic parents.
You can unlearn what you learned
But there is something else, if you had toxic parents and you learned this behavior and you are repeating it with your children, you should know that you can also unlearn it since you have a great capacity to challenge and reject what you have learned. You can be a more open father/mother , be more informed and be more loving both in your wisdom and in the education of your children.
Remember that there are two ways to influence your children through messages: repeat what that you have lived in your childhood or fight against it and do things in a totally different way, and better. It is necessary to have the commitment to break the cycle.
Make a difference
The key to doing things in a healthier way is realizing how old learning is causing you to repeat the pattern with your children. These responses are so automatic that you may not even be aware of what is happening. Some memories from your past may block you or make you stressed or even anxious. Observe your body and the thoughts you have, especially the feelings you have inside. These feelings, are they really useful for your current life? Are your memories connected?
Once this is done, look for the differences between what happened before and what happens now. You, you are in a new environment, with different people around you. When it comes to automatic behavior you may not feel good, because your body and mind are reacting in an old way to a new environment. You may be responding to new situations as if they were old acquaintances -Surely something learned from when you were a helpless and small person-. But things are different today, and you can make a difference if you consciously notice it. Once you realize this, you will also realize that you are a conscious and capable person, that this life is yours and only you have the power to decide the reaction you want to carry out in certain situations.
You have the power to change
See how you hold your life in your hands. Your body reminds you that your memories are marking the way you see the world and educate your children, perhaps you learned to be an invisible person… but all that can change. If you are trying to respond differently, you can start by changing your physical presence.
This will be easier than changing the way you think, but it will help you change the way you feel. Your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are related to your change and your physical presence. Try to stand up and feel strong. At first you may feel unfamiliar and even uncomfortable, but experiment with these feelings.
When you feel you have the control in your life, you will be able to handle situations more appropriately. You can think of phrases like: ‘Now things are different, I’m fine and I feel good’. Find the words to think about every day that make you feel good and stronger just by thinking them.
None of this will be easy or change quickly. The feelings inside you because of the ghosts of the past have been inside you for too long, so if you become aware and really want change, you can get good results. Remember that you must do your part and that your children depend on you to become excellent and non-toxic people.