Having a little one, with all that it implies both emotionally and purely logistically, can sometimes make us postpone other things, such as spending time as a couple… And of course, our relationship can end up suffering . But in reality when we look at each other we still love each other to the fullest, right? Well then, let’s see what we can do to keep our relationship in better shape than ever… when we are also parents .
One day you met a person who turned you on (or tolon, or both), you started to chat, to be intimate, to go out… You liked each other, you enjoyed doing things together, so much so that one day you made a baby (a beautiful one). , everything must be said). And then that intimate thing, going out and even chatting (we all know that when the little ones start talking… they don’t stop anymore!) It became more difficult.
I often see couples in consultation and workshops who, despite loving each other very much, for one reason or another, barely spend time together. I fully understand that there are times when life overwhelms us and there is no way to find the time to do something together and alone, but… it is something fundamental!
With love is not enough
The model we have of romantic love, the one we see in the movies, the one the songs talk about, has “sold us the bike” that when it’s real, when it’s sincere and authentic, it can do anything.
This leads many to have assimilated something that is actually a myth (because it is neither true, nor functional, nor does it make us happy in the long run, or anything): “if we love each other, everything is already done, because love is something eternal , unmodifiable, immutable… something that resists against all odds, just for the fact of existing”. And no, this is not so. Ohhh!
This idea of love is precisely what leads many couples to consult and have a regular time:
- If we think that love is unalterable, that we will always love each other whatever we do, we are not going to work on our relationship. But the reality is that if we don’t feed our love , if we don’t make an effort, it goes out like a candle that we leave alone.
- If we think that love can do everything , we are putting excessive weight on something that is intangible: what can really do everything is you, together, as a team, and for that you need to work on it, row in the same direction.
- If we love each other, everything will be fine / If two people love each other, they won’t argue and they won’t have conflicts. Oh! When we think that love is going to make us impervious to the dips in life, we go headlong into reality: because relationships are not always rosy, because life exposes us to difficult times, because people change, because we have bad days… Two people can love each other to infinity (and beyond) and argue, and not agree and even, mind you, hurt each other (unintentionally, of course). And this does not mean that their love has died, it means that they need tools to deal with what is coming, that’s it!
Myths about love create unrealistic expectations in us and of course, when we later encounter reality we have a hard time, or we think that our love has deteriorated . And no, really, the only thing that fails here is that reality is different, but as soon as we see it, as soon as we are clear about it, everything is easier and more beautiful, seriously!
Parents… but also partner
As I said, perhaps where the couple’s relationship suffers most clearly before the arrival of children is in the merely logistical part, in organization, in time: suddenly you don’t have it, zero, nothing, especially at the beginning , when they are babies and need us so much.
But the point is that our relationship is also something that needs our attention, our care, our time… Parenthood is complicated, so it’s better to spend it together, hand in hand, because that way it will be easier. But for that we need to be well, don’t you think? So let’s get to it!
How to keep the love of a couple alive when we are parents
So what can we do to keep our relationship in shape when we have little ones?
- Dedicate time, whatever it is, whatever we can, to our relationship , to leave the role of dad and mom parked and activate that of “chatis”. Not all couples have the same circumstances, so there are no universal recipes, but what is universal is the importance of spending time together: a little bit at night just after the little one falls asleep (and just before losing knowing us), eating together from time to time during the week, going to have an aperitif alone on Saturday while the little one is with the grandparents… There are possibilities, guys, and it’s worth it.
- Saying nice things to each other, reinforcing each other: throughout the day, the weeks, with all the tasks we have pending, the day-to-day loop ends up eating us up and almost without realizing it we end up turning our relationship into “those comfortable walking shoes by house ”. What an eye, going in slippers is the pear of comfort, but leñe, we are going to put beauty on it, because one soon tires of being an espadrille. Tell him that you liked the hug you gave each other in bed before getting up, tell him that he looks handsome in that shirt, tell him that that ass is the best thing you’ve seen all day (referring to his, hehehe)… Tell him what you like about each other: feel great.
- Look at your partner with the eyes of a stranger : imagine that you don’t know him at all, that you have just been introduced to him: what do you like? What attracts you? Sometimes when we have been in a relationship for a long time we get so used to each other that those things begin to go unnoticed, and what is more, even the bad may end up eating up the good. So taking a bit of perspective can help us remove layers of “everyday life” and see, as they said in Aladdin, “the diamond in the rough” that lies below.
- Laugh : whenever we think about the concept of intimacy as a couple, our heads quickly go to sex , right? And beware, it’s great, but there is another thing that is just as powerful to gain intimacy and complicity, and it can also be done with children in front: humor. A couple that laughs together is a happy couple.
- Let’s touch! Yes, we have to be humorous… but if from time to time we also make love, well hey, all the better. Maybe now that you have kids you can’t have three-hour sessions (at least not every day), but a little bit of touching around here, a little bit of showering together, rubbing each other in the hallway… and look, a quickie from time to time, which are fun and can serve as a snack between “course and course”, you understand me, that gives us life. Find your little moments, turn it into a game, and enjoy each other!
With a little sugar…
When I tell couples that for a relationship to work you have to work, some raise their hands to their heads: working is not very romantic, it will make our love less cool! Nooooo, it really isn’t. Precisely the fact of dedicating a conscious effort in our relationship makes us focus more on the good, and the other, our love, melts even more, because he will perceive that effort… and that is TOTAL LOVE!
But since the truth is that, I am not going to deny it, having healthy relationships implies a little work , so that it costs us little or nothing, to motivate us, we are going to add a little sugar (metaphorical, of course, we are not going to coat ourselves in sweet, that we have enough to get rid of the sand from the park that lives in our house, to walk, in addition, removing sugar).
That sugar, that extra, that motivating soundtrack (like when we go to the gym) we can make ourselves, having details that reinforce the effort of the other : we are going to try to smile more, shake hands, for a little while, while we watch TV ( put down your cell phones even for two minutes, because if the world ends you will find out anyway!), thank each other for those good things you are doing, hug each other, look at each other with love…
Come on, that you do everything possible because the day to day is favorable, kind and tender, because that is the best context to work, because that is the best way for one to want to be better with another human being.
It also helps a lot to be clear about one thing: I love my partner, so I want him to be okay, because when he’s okay, I am too . Nothing to enter competitions! We’re a team, so we’re going to try to get all (both of us, it’s a cool team, but small) members to be fine cinnamon, okay?
So now you know, the arrival of children makes the logistics a bit more complicated for us, but not only does love not have to suffer, but it can become even stronger, more beautiful, more mature and deeper . Take it now! Now… to love each other a lot! Happy Valentines!