Parenting is not easy at all and as the children grow up it does not improve. Therefore, when one of your children tells you that he hates you, it is normal for you to feel a pang in your heart and even for the anguish to turn against you. How is it possible that your son whom you love with all your heart tells you that he hates you? We are going to explain what to do about it so that it is not too big a problem and that you give it the importance it really has.
Children (and even adolescents) due to their immaturity, are not able to be aware of the seriousness of their words or their actions. They have an impulsive attitude and it is normal for them to get carried away by their emotions, feeling them very intense and not understanding them correctly. This poor emotional control can make them say or do things that they don’t really feel or think.
My son has told me that he hates me, why?
First, you should know that when your child tells you that he hates you, he is not really saying it, and clearly, he does not mean it. He just wants you to listen to what he says, to feel his anger. He wants to convey to you that he is angry but that he does not know how to manage it, he does not know how to understand what is happening to him at that moment and it is a desperate way of getting your attention, of telling you that he needs you. What to do when a son disrespects his mother?
The frustration he feels at that moment makes him take out an aggressive part with inappropriate behavior. Feeling that way he searches his familiar vocabulary for words that feel great, to make sure that when he pronounces them, you hear him. When your son was younger he showed you that lack of emotional management with tears and tantrums , now he does it with hurtful words, but the goal is the same.
Of course, saying that he hates you is not the best way to show his anger, but it is what he knows how to do in those moments. When he says these painful words to you, he needs you by his side. He needs you to understand his emotions and help him resolve that conflict that is hurting him so much. With your emotional closeness, he will learn necessary skills for life, since he will have emotional and social skills… but he will learn them little by little, through your patience and your unconditional love.
What I can do?
In addition to emotional closeness, it is important that you take into account other strategies that, as a father or mother, will go excellently for you so that you know how to manage the situation without it becoming too intense. As we have told you above, the first step is emotional closeness.
After that, keep in mind the following:
- Don’t take it personally. Don’t get defensive when your child says those hurtful words to you. He just wants you to know that he is angry and he doesn’t know how to handle it properly. He needs your help but he doesn’t mean what he says.
- Do not fall in the trap. When he says these hurtful words to you, he is trying to provoke you in a desperate way to get your attention. Do not make him see that with those words he can destabilize you or will continue to do so in the future as a weapon of provocation. Better act as if you had not heard those words and do not fall into the trap. If you don’t reinforce him and he sees that he doesn’t get your attention, he will realize that those words have no power over you.
- Show all your patience. It is important that you do not appear upset, that you are patient with their behavior and that you maintain a calm demeanor at all times. With your peace of mind, your child will feel serene and it will be easier for him to talk to you and tell you what is happening to him. You will have to wait for the intensity that he feels to lower a little (with your help) to be able to communicate correctly.
- Be their emotional guide. You are his guide in life and also in his emotions. In this sense, make him understand why he feels that way. Allow him to feel his emotions and do not criticize, judge or scold him for it. He has the right to be wrong about his behavior, and you have an obligation to guide him. Put a name to each of the emotions that he has felt in those moments and give him alternatives so that the next time he can express his emotions in a less destructive way.
- Tell him the words hurt. When the storm has passed and you’ve shown that those words don’t unsettle you and won’t accomplish anything with them, tell him how you felt when he told you he hates you. In this way you will be working on empathy and your child will realize that words can have consequences on people. They can make you feel bad and that when someone makes other people feel bad, it is important to apologize for it.
In this way your son will realize that with bad manners and bad words he will not achieve anything since you will ignore him. On the other hand, if he changes his attitude and is receptive to talking and improving his behavior, then from closeness and love you will be able to look for solutions. When your son tells you that he hates you, don’t get angry or give him more importance than he has, take it as an opportunity for him to understand his emotions and work on empathy.